Oriana Varas

Creative Nonfiction Profile
A Different Kind of Sexy
by Oriana Varas
December 2012

“For seven years I’ve had people picking glitter off me,” says trophy husband Bruce Blake. He’s a tall, broad-shouldered bald man with a salt-and-pepper goatee. He’s incredibly sweet and quick to smile, but looks tough enough to pick up a rowdy audience member by his collar and throw him out of the jazz club should his wife ask him to do so.
“Glitter,” he says. “Herpes of the craft world. You can never get rid of it.”

Bruce’s wife is The Fabulous Miss Rosie Bitts, a Victoria-based burlesque star. With her small waist, delicate but perky features, and soft skin, she looks like the sweetest, most innocent little kitten you’d just love to have in your lap. But there’s something about her – something in the way she looks at you with her big blue eyes, the way her broad hips sway as she struts across the stage, the way her smile says “I know what you want” – that makes you wonder if you’re going to get it.

On stage, she might be covered from head to toe in black lace and peacock feathers, or she might wear a luxurious pale pink robe with a fur collar and cuffs. The red, latex, flamenco-style corset dress is Mr. Bitts’ favourite, and she pairs it with red pumps, a white boa, and long black gloves.

***
She stands on the stage with her feet apart, revealing the dress’s slit that runs to the very top of her left thigh. The black strings of her red corset slip over and dangle past her ample bottom. The latex shines over her curviest parts – her thighs, her breasts, her lower abdomen. She slides the white boa down between her legs and gently brings it back up, tickling her inner thighs with each sparkly feather. Then she plunges it down, and pulls it back up, and shoves it down, and back up again, over and over.

Her hips sway as she steps across the stage, giving you different views of her pear-shaped body. Her nipples come closer and closer to the rim of the corset, seeming eager to come out, and you can’t look away. Miss Bitts looks down at them, cups the sides of her breasts, smiles and bites her lip, but it’s too soon. She pouts, “humphs,” and pushes up her corset.
***

When Miss Bitts met Mr. Bitts, she was still Trinda Reed. Mr. Bitts had owned a restaurant in Oak Bay, Victoria that she frequented after dropping off her son, Erik, at preschool. She’d have a coffee and write poetry, and she developed a crush on the restaurant owner. But when Mr. Bitts asked her out for a drink and she told him she doesn’t drink, he thought she had rejected him. Some months later, a mutual friend set up a date for the two to see a band. Mr. Bitts arrived at her place an hour and a half late, and she was still in her underwear. They never left to see the band. “He knew when I opened the door in my underwear that I was a keeper,” says Miss Bitts.

Miss Bitts has always been a performer, but before burlesque, she had been pursuing a career in acting. Everything she had done was supposed to bring the dream of acting closer, but she came to realize that it was no longer something she wanted to do. She began looking for alternative ways to express herself. Burlesque kept coming up and certainly intrigued Miss Bitts, but she couldn’t see it as a feasible career option at the time.
When Miss Bitts had a small part in Brian Clement’s horror film The Dead Inside, Clement was dating Bettina May, a very successful and well-known burlesque star now in New York. Miss Bitts started working with May as a “pick-up girl,” a stage assistant. A few months later, she joined her in The Capital City Cheesecake Burlesque Revue. After two years, Miss Bitts left to pursue a burlesque career on her own.

Mr. Bitts didn’t know what his wife was getting into. He was concerned about her being too exposed and about sleazy men in the audience. He thought burlesque dancers were the same as strippers, and while the law may see them that way, this isn’t the case. It took seeing Miss Bitts perform for him to understand burlesque.

She peels the black glove from the top of her arm and caresses her exposed skin. She pulls the satin down to her wrist and nibbles her fingertips, sliding each finger out of its hole. She yanks it completely off with her teeth, but keeps it there, between her lips. She holds it up, grips the long black glove with her free hand and begins rubbing it up and down, up and down. It’s slow at first, but gets faster and faster, and then Miss Bitts is desperately, vigorously sliding her hand back and forth along the fabric. She stops to twirl the glove above her head before tossing it away.

The desire to feel sexy drives Miss Bitts to perform. While arousing the audience is not Miss Bitts’ only concern, she enjoys seeing what works for people, what makes them feel juicy. “My primary goal is to entertain,” she says. “And people may become sexually aroused. Strippers are sexually titillating to make money. If they’re unable to arouse the customers, they’re not able to make tips.”

Burlesque is striptease, but it’s a different kind of striptease, and a different kind of sexy. It’s classy and elegant, a little cheeky and a lot of fun. Both women and men love it. Strippers and burlesque stars share the same ancestors. She doesn’t think of either type of show within a hierarchy but rather as different ways of presenting female sexuality. However, strip joints show “just titties, pussy, titties, pussy. It’s set up for objectification,” says Miss Bitts. She adds, “You can’t get away from objectification. We all do it. Women do it. I do it. But burlesque is 100% our choice, and it becomes difficult to objectify the performers because they have personalities that are so vast and varied.”

There’s more to a burlesque show than just body parts. There’s often singing and dancing, elaborate costumes and storytelling, and humorous jabs at pop culture or politics, but most importantly there’s character, real human beings, not sexual objects. Burlesque is always toying with society’s expectations and comfort levels, especially since it’s not limited to any one body type, age, race, or even gender.

Not everyone understands burlesque, however. Miss Bitts’ father doesn’t. Most people who go to see burlesque shows do understand what they’re paying to see, but occasionally someone will be unaware of the sexual themes. This can be hard to deal with for Miss Bitts. But if an audience member seems uncomfortable, she makes sure they get some extra love and “a little babying,” before leading them to more forbidden places. Her expertise, her confidence, and her joy in performing help people embrace that often feared feeling of naughtiness.

The first time Miss Bitts’ mom saw her shed her clothes on stage, she said her daughter’s face was exactly the same as when she had paraded in costumes as a kid and offered the grand finale, a nude “ta-da!”

A large percentage of those who attend burlesque shows are female. When asked why he thinks that is, Mr. Bitts responded, “the performers are confident and exude power, and a lot of men are scared of that. You don’t see them there because they’re scared of women.” Men from the audience sometimes go up to Mr. Bitts to tell him how amazing she is instead of telling her. Since he’s a big guy who may not enjoy hearing how sexy other men find his wife, he thinks it’s amusing that they’re less scared of him than they are of her.
“Men have delicate egos,” Mr. Bitts explained.

***
Miss Bitts is centre stage and even the bartender can’t stop staring. Miss Bitts glides her hands down her body, feeling herself through the latex corset, from her breasts down to her pelvis. Her fingers find the zipper at the top of the slit, and she slowly pulls it up, opening the skirt. She looks up at you and smiles. She reveals her soft legs, thick thighs, and red-skirted panties that hug her love-handles just right. She tosses the skirt away. Miss Bitts grins, and her back end jiggles as she parades her body’s freedom. She turns around, hands on her waist, and she mesmerizes you with her slowly swaying hips. You sit there, sweating, legs crossed, fanning yourself with a drinks menu.
***

Miss Bitts no longer performs in venues with liquor licenses. She’s been forced to stick mostly to theatres. Although nothing is lost by watching her burlesque performance sober, there was something particularly special about watching her at Hermann’s Jazz Club last summer. She shared the stage with Dave Lang and The Black Squirrels to put on a 1930s-inspired jazz and burlesque show. The wood trim on the walls, the waxy, dark wood chairs and tables, the carpeted floor, the dim lights and brass accents, all helped to transport you back in time. It was nice to cool off with a glass-of-something while watching Miss Bitts’ steamy performance.

One of the biggest struggles Miss Bitts has faced in her burlesque career has been British Columbia’s liquor laws that apply to all forms of adult entertainment. Imagine you snagged front row seats, and The Fabulous Miss Rosie Bitts steps off the stage to shimmy her bits directly in front of you. She winks at you, and smiles at you, and smacks her bum at you. She walks right up to you and puts her chest in front of your face. Her bare shoulders dance to make the tassels stuck to her nipples spin around and around. You can feel the air blow on your face. But the moment she touches your shoulder, the moment she glides a finger across your flushed cheek, the hosting establishment could lose its liquor license.

In fact, leaving the stage without a robe could lead to the same fate, as would drinking from a band member’s water bottle. Miss Bitts can’t invite audience members onstage, nor can she wrap her boa around the saxophonist. These old laws have not been amended in decades. No physical contact with the audience or stage members is allowed. Miss Bitts’ “Naked Girls Reading,” which is exactly that and nothing more, was shut down at the Fernwood Inn with only 16 hours’ notice and the threat of a $9,000 fine to the establishment. Her Fringe Festival show was centred on this issue, and explained how hard it can be for entertainers like Miss Bitts and for the venues that host her. She’s got to be careful, and so do they, lest a naked girl lay a hand on an audience member or another reader.

While in some cases it would seem fair to have some of these no-touching policies, most of them are too restrictive with harsh consequences that interfere with most performances. A performers’ safety should not be taken lightly, and burlesque does not involve live sex acts, but if a consenting adult pays to see a burlesque show, Miss Bitts believes he or she can handle minor physical contact.

Miss Bitts is 38 years-old and has two kids. Anya is 11 and Erik is 18. Her daughter has never known a glitter-free environment, but she loves it. She loves the makeup, the feathers, and the costumes. Mr. Bitts said, “Their mom’s career has never been considered dirty.” But if her mom is wearing an outfit that Anya considers too suggestive, she won’t hesitate to say, “Mama… Mama!”

Erik, Miss Bitts’ son, has never seen his mother perform, but some of his female friends have. It was uncomfortable for him when his buddies saw posters of Miss Bitts plastered around on walls, however. And in high school, Erik’s classmates had invented a sassy song about his mom. But the teasing has been minor, and hasn’t affected him very much. If there’s something he’s uncomfortable talking about, he’ll state it outright. Erik lives in Nanaimo and might be volunteering as a nude model at Vancouver Island University soon.

It’s easier for Miss Bitts to work on her passion now that her kids are older. Between 9 a.m. and 3 p.m. (Anya’s school hours) she’s busy networking, planning, and creating. Miss Bitts is an avid list-maker and is very organized. Mr. Bitts has to be careful when taking out the recycling because she constantly makes notes on random scraps of paper.

She occupies one big closet, plus a second, and half their second bedroom. Ideally, she’d have a walk-in closet and her own studio lined with mirrors. Right now, she rehearses in the living room, and Mr. Bitts can always tell when she has been. The carpet is rolled up, the couch is moved – everything is rearranged.

***
She turns around and winks back at you before bending all the way down, hands around her ankles, maximizing the view of her bum. Her right hand slides between her thighs and her index finger invites you closer. The strings of the corset fall right in the middle of her cheeks, and she gently tugs them back and forth, rubbing them against her panties. She shakes her knees and wiggles her bum, making you wish you could accept her invitation.
***

After Miss Bitts had Erik, her body had changed a great deal. She was unable to see representations of the female body that she could relate to. If she saw cellulite, it was an ad for cellulite removal. If she saw tummy fat, it was for weight loss. There was no one to look at and compare to when asking, “Am I normal?” Pornography was the only way to see both male and female body representation, but was very inaccurate. Being backstage with other burlesque performers changed that for Miss Bitts. If someone were to ask, “Is this normal?” ten women would drop their drawers and compare. “Some days I’m not happy with my body,” says Miss Bitts. “But I push through. It feels great to feel yucky and then have people applaud for me when I take off my clothes.”

Miss Bitts stands, naked and in stilettos, for feminism and positive body image. By placing themselves in very vulnerable situations, burlesque performers like Miss Bitts break down the walls of how sex, sexuality, and women’s bodies are perceived. There is beauty within their diversity and flaws, and being able to witness it can bring a sense of belonging and understanding to those who lack positive role models.

While the market for burlesque in Victoria remains quite small, Miss Bitts’ contributions to the burlesque community have helped to expand it. When she got into burlesque, she felt it was something the city needed and was ready for.

Miss Bitts hosts a burlesque workshop for women of all ages and body types called “Learn to Love Your Jiggly Bitts: Burlesque Basics.” For $130 (which includes a pair of pasties) you can “learn the fine art of tease and reveal or how to bump and grind … and to feel good naked.” It includes learning to walk in heels, tassel-twirling, and show girl makeup. The women who attend are usually those facing some kind of crossroads in their lives and are looking for something new to explore.

Miss Bitts believes women are multi-faceted, and can be more than just a mom, just a professional, just a coquette. They can be all these things. She’s living, breathing proof.

***
Miss Bitts points straight at you, her lips open slightly in a half-smile. She turns her hand around and with her finger invites you to come closer, closer. You lean forward and follow her finger as it slips down the middle of her chest, detouring to her almost escaped nipples, then around and under her breasts, over her stomach, to the bottom snap of her corset. She unsnaps it.

“Ooh,” she moans.
Snap.
Snap-snap.
She bites her lip.
Snap, snap, snap.
You can almost see…
Snap.

She quickly turns her back towards you and flings open her corset. Her bare back makes you hungry for more. She slides her hands along her sides and slowly bends backwards, letting you see just a little more. She props herself back up, puts on her robe and exits the stage. The audience screams and whistles and claps.

After a few moments of applause, Miss Bitts returns in her robe, smiling, blowing kisses, waving. Her lips form a cheeky smirk, and she bursts open her robe, revealing her pale breasts. They bounce, and the sparkly, red, heart-shaped pasties shimmer in the spotlight. The crowd roars. She lifts her hands above her head and thrusts her hips forward, jiggling her soft stomach, thighs, and breasts. She thrusts to her left. “Ooh!” She thrusts to her right. “Ooh!” Forward, left, right, forward. She smiles, and shimmies so hard that every one of her bits jiggles madly.

News Profile
Quiz Creator Faces Blank Page as Small Business Owner
By Oriana Varas
December 2012

It’s Friday night at the Fort Street Café. The hosts, Benji Duke and Jack Weyler, leap off the stage, race down the long narrow room waving their arms like helicopter propellers, weaving between tables, encouraging patrons to “get in their helicopters and fly high in the sky.” Soon, everyone in the dark artsy-retro room wildly waves their arms above their heads. The two men return to their helipads for a geography round “based on what they saw out of the window.”

Duke, 36, part-owns the Fort Street Café and co-hosts the game-show-style Friday Quiz. His taste for maps, lists, information, and statistics comes through in his quiz-making. Duke’s style is straight from 1960s England: sweater-vests, tweed blazers, tight jeans and cords, and high-top sneakers. His long sideburns and thick English accent complete the look.

Unfortunately, Duke will host only two more quizzes before The Fort closes on Dec. 15. Garnett Rancier, the building landlord, declined to renew their lease, telling Monday Magazine, “[The Fort] has evolved into something the premises were not rented for.”

Once the news of The Fort’s closing became public, the community demanded to save it. Originally, the owners had intended to move on, but the “Support the Fort” campaign has since raised over $15,000.

Weyler, 26, bartender at The Fort, said he “always thought [The Fort] could be a bit more.” He added, “This is the push the owners needed to be different, to be better.”

Duke and co-owner Jon Perkins had shared the same vision for The Fort. As a musician, Duke “wanted somewhere to play and have fun, like your dad’s basement.” Bit by bit, the Fort evolved from a canteen-style restaurant into an open-concept restaurant, offering a stage to local and upcoming artists.

By not taking a cut, Duke believes that bands feel more respected and like less of a burden. “Their creativity is part of what The Fort is,” he said. The Fort simply hopes to break even. Leftover door money goes directly to the artists.

According to Duke, “The Fort was never intended to be a bar.” He believes that The Fort is a place of acceptance and respect, open to all, where ageism isn’t an issue. “It’s a meeting place,” he said, “where people can go to be heard or to listen. It’s a safe place.”

Among open mic. nights, music/art shows, and the Friday Quiz, The Fort appeals to many people. “It’s nice not to just sit and drink,” said quiz participant, Thomas Winterhoff, 51. He enjoys that you can “exercise your brain as well as your drinking arm.”

Megan Jordan, 22, UVic Graduate, said “[Duke] went out of his way to make us feel special and important. He was also hilarious!”

While The Fort Street Café looks for a new home, the Friday Quiz is expected to live on. The location is not yet known. But Duke will sit in his helicopter, cat on his lap, and kettle on the boil, ready to deliver brain-scrambling questions to the world below.

To donate to Support the Fort campaign, visit http://www.kapipal.com/supportthefort